My Cancer Excavation
I believed 2020 to be the most unusual year I’d ever had. Though I had escaped the Covid 19 virus, I, like so many, was subject to all its changes in the world around me. Shut downs were in abundance and jobs were lost. Financial hardships were a ‘plenty and depression was on the rise. It seemed that the year that represented “perfect vision” was indeed the most blurred our society had ever seen.
So naturally when January 1st rolled around, I, like so many, believed things would be different. A new beginning… a better future! Things did not change as we all had hoped. Navigating my world with blindness brings challenges every day, but navigating my world with blindness in a pandemic in which we are advised and mandated not to touch things or people? That brings a whole different set of challenges I wasn’t prepared for. I rely on touch to see most things. So, it was like being told to go through life with your eyes closed for a fully sighted person.
But then something happened to me and my family that made no sense at all. On April 6th, 2021; I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband and I had a long overdue trip to Florida planned and airline tickets purchased and we were scheduled to leave five days later. My surgeon assured me it was safe to go ahead with the trip and we would begin fighting the cancer immediately upon my return. After a conversation with my surgeon, we believed I would have to have surgery to remove the tumor and five weeks of radiation treatment and that would be the extent of my cancer journey. We were wrong.
I had gone to my surgeon on a completely unrelated matter on March 28th. The night before my appointment I had been readying myself for bed, by shear accident, or what I prefer to call divine intervention, I discovered the lump. I had found what I thought was a lump on the other breast two years earlier. After testing we learned it was only dense tissue. I chalked this lump up to the same thing. I went to my appointment with no intentions of mentioning this lump. At the end of my visit, the Doctor asked something he has never asked before…
“Is there anything else you want to talk about, anything else on your mind?”
I paused, contemplating my response. Lowering my gaze to the floor I replied, “Well… I guess since I’m here… I did find a lump I’d like to have checked out.”. He inspected the lump and before I could grasp what was about to happen, I had a mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy scheduled. My heart seemed to falter and my eyes brimmed with moisture. I couldn’t believe that I might be facing a cancer diagnosis. I didn’t think anything like this would happen to me. I came so very close to saying nothing about any of this.
The tests were done and I had to wait five whole days for the results of the biopsy. My husband and I try to convince ourselves it was benign or some sort of simple infection. It was neither. The call came and I gripped my phone with trembling fingers as I answered with a shaky voice. My surgeon made the call personally from his own cell phone. I listened in shocking disbelief as he told me I had breast cancer. I sank to my knees on my bathroom floor as I gripped the counter in front of me. Feeling nauseous and faint I somehow pressed the buttons on my phone to call my husband to deliver the bombshell. He left work and raced home. My mother came over after he called her to come be with me until he could get here. I felt numb and out of body-ish. My husband finally arrived home and the grieving process began.
While I was waiting for the results of my biopsy, I had been lying awake at 2:00 am. In confusion and fear. I asked the Lord how I was supposed to deal with this. I felt His gentle whisper as He asked me, “Are you willing to carry this for Me?”
It took me quite a while to formulate my answer. I always believed I would do anything for God but this… this was cancer! After a while I told Him through tears that I was willing. Then reality was set before me. We went on our trip to Florida not knowing how much we needed that vacation. We created wonderful memories and dealt with some hard truths. We came back ready to fight. I met with my surgeon again on the Monday after our return and discussed much of the same things we had earlier. We confirmed the plan and I awaited my Oncology appointment that was scheduled in two days. We didn’t believe at that time that Chemotherapy was needed for me and I would just be seeing the Oncologist for radiation and
follow-ups. I was informed at that appointment that my cancer was at the highest level of aggressiveness. I felt like I had been punched. Then the other shoe dropped as I was told I would indeed have to have six rounds of chemotherapy. I went catatonic. I don’t remember anything else from that appointment.
As I processed what the next four months might look like and just how precarious my situation could be, I started to question if God had the right girl. I stood in my shower one day and the water poured over me and the tears poured down my face. I rested my forehead against the tile wall and considered the possibility of not surviving this. How could I leave behind a daughter who was getting married? How could I leave my husband to be a widower at forty-eight-years-old? How could I leave my adult son who had only been out on his own for a year and still needed me to give him cooking lessons and cleaning tips? What about the ministry God had recently called me too? What about the books God has instructed me to write? I simply didn’t understand any of this. Then I heard His gentle whisper once again…
“I asked you to carry this for Me, not to die from this for Me.”
I’ve held onto that reminder throughout this journey that I’m calling my Cancer Excavation. I am unearthing much about myself, my priorities, and my God. I still have a road ahead of me with surgery and radiation treatments and targeted therapy but I am learning a lot. What I have learned most so far is how Vidal it is to listen to God’s promptings. Had I not heeded His prompting on March 28, my story would look very different right now. Sometimes not listening may not be as life threatening as a cancer diagnosis but it can be spiritually life threatening for us or someone else. I’ve also learned that we are most definitely allowed to grieve and get our bearings in a life altering situation, but we should also be able to use these opportunities as ways to witness to others.
During my chemo treatments, the Lord laid on my heart to begin praying for all the other people that were there at the same time. He also laid on my heart to begin making what I call “prayer blankets”. And give one to a patient each time I had therapy. After talking with a friend and praying about this ministry, we came up with the name “Out of the Blue Blessings”. So far, the recipients have been overwhelmed with gratitude for these gifts of prayer. I must admit that I was a little apprehensive to approach a complete stranger with a blanket but listening to God’s promptings has sort of become my focus these days. Little did I know just how much it would bless me in return.
Some folks in my circle have donated to this ministry and thereby feel blessed as well. I plan to keep this ministry going as long as God sees fit to continue blessing it. You see, if we choose to allow God to turn our focus to how we can be used in all circumstances, He will reveal how He can use us. He will most assuredly offer comfort and a time of adjustment to happen. He comforted me and allowed me to grieve the situation I found myself in. But once I accepted this change, I knew I didn’t want it to be for nothing. I would probably never have met the individuals who have received the blankets without having to have chemo myself. I wouldn’t be able to relate and understand their struggle if I didn’t face it myself. Jesus knew how those around Him struggled and He could empathize with them better because of that. If we truly want to be the hands and feet of Jesus, we must seek to do so even while going through trials ourselves. Often times the trial is the very situation God uses to reach another soul for His kingdom. But we must be willing to be used in that way.
We simply don’t know how many people can be reached in any given situation so we must be ready and willing to be His tools for the job. I can say with confidence that you will be blessed in the using. Cancer is a thief and a destroyer of many things. But God is the redeemer and restorer of ALL things! He can take what the devil means for destruction and turn it into a tremendous blessing and joy. Trust God with the plan even when it doesn’t make sense and even when it feels too hard to bare. God knows all and sees all and He will walk the hard road with you.
