Climbing Out of the Marriage Rut

It was a Sunday afternoon and my husband, Rob, and I were walking through Wal-Mart. Rob starts joking around.  And I start laughing.  All of a sudden in all seriousness he says “do you think all couples joke and have fun like we do or are they in a rut? I’ve heard that a rut is just a grave with the end kicked out.” 

Just to tell you a little of my husband’s sense of humor, we were in the spice aisle and he took two pictures. One of Thyme and the other of Sage, which is my maiden name.  His Facebook status incorporated the two pictures and said: 

“Having a good Thyme with Meredith Sage.”

This started an afternoon of thinking, pondering and praying for couples who aren’t in a good place. 

My question is: Do you and your spouse laugh together? Do you even like being together? If your answer is no, but you would like to get back to that point let’s look at some basic questions. 

What did you do for fun together when you first met? 

Did you used to cook for your spouse or with your spouse? 

Did you used to make a special breakfast on Saturdays or Sundays?

Did you take walks or go to the park? 

Did you get an ice cream cone or a coffee depending on the season and walk downtown holding hands?

The key is communication. Right?  Yes, but it is so much more than the verbal communication, it is also the non-verbal communication or lack thereof that also creates friction. 

So why do we stop communicating? 

For us, I think I became so focused on raising our children, and this can be hard on a marriage.  

When I am speaking on parenting, I use the example of soccer moms and how they are the most prone to becoming extremely codependent. Their whole life is wrapped up in soccer from the time the child is 3 all the way to 18.  When the child goes to college, the mom is now trying to figure out who that man is, that is sleeping in her bed.  She is trying to figure out what her likes and dislikes are. Or maybe she is trying to figure out what to fix for dinner because for all these years it’s been the closest drive-thru. Maybe this is you and you are laughing “I’m not that bad ”. Ok then ask your husband, but be prepared for the truth. 

Maybe it’s not raising children, maybe you have had a traumatic event happen and now you suffer from PTSD or anxiety. 

Or you are trying hard to live up to the standards of your in-laws or parents and you spend so much time worrying about what they think that you neglect your spouse. 

The list goes on and on. We allow one day to go by, then another, then another and before you know it you’re asking for a separation or worse yet a divorce.

We think that the issues have gone too far and are irreparable, because that is exactly what satan is telling you. But I am here to tell you…it’s NOT too late. 

Let’s let loose and have some fun with our spouse tonight.  

Go for a walk and do the monkey walk.

Sit together on the couch…snuggled…stealing a kiss…holding hands….

Get out the photo albums of when you were dating…..

Get out the music and start singing the songs from when you were dating. 

Go to the park and push your spouse on the swing….then chase each other to the slide.

Take a blanket outside on a clear night and lay down looking up at the stars and just talk. 

If you have kids….put the kids to bed early and order pizza and watch a movie….I don’t care that it’s a weeknight. 

For years on Valentines Day, we would go to the store, pick out a Valentines Day card that said what we wanted to say. We handed it to the other one to read. After we said our “awws”, we put it back, got in the car and went home. Rob and I started a tradition when we were first dating because we were in college and poor. Back then a card was a desire not a need, but it also became a tradition and we still do it to this day. This costs nothing but costs everything if you aren’t enjoying life together. 

Be spontaneous…but also be aware if your spouse does have anxiety or PTSD. Some of the spontaneous things will not work because you won’t want to trigger your spouse or make things worse. 

This by all means is not an exhaustive list, but my hope in writing this, is that it will get you to start laughing and enjoying each other once again.