It’s Just Hair

Did anyone else have “that wall” in their home growing up?  You know the one that proudly displayed your school picture? Even though I am over a half of a century old, I still remember walking by that wall and it can still haunt me today, even though my last picture was taken almost four decades ago. As I am writing “one picture in particular” stands out even though my brain reminded me of many pictures. Long hair, short hair, straight hair, permed hair, and even curled hair with the tiniest curling iron wand you could find.

Recently I had to have a Cardiac CT done. I had started to regret choosing an early appointment but I did my hair (blow dried with a brush blower) and took off for the radiologist.

Now with Covid being a thing, I never know if I am allowed to get on a small elevator or not with another person, but this older man held the door, so I got on. He asked what floor and the door shut. In a 5 second elevator ride this gentleman, old enough to be my grandfather, brought me to tears with four words…  “You have beautiful hair.”

Growing up I was always on the heavier side. The excuse was I had thick bones. I dealt with lots of self-esteem issues not only because of that but also a very volatile home life. When things are out of your control, for example living in an abusive situation as a child, parents divorcing, you attempt to control anything you can. For me, that was my hair.  I would spend an hour doing my hair, until it was perfect, to the point of re-wetting and blow drying it again if it wasn’t. And straight hair wasn’t an option…. because my hair was ugly that way and I have the middle school picture to prove it. So for years, my hair was always curled, whether that be by a curling iron, perm or hot rollers.

Fast forward to the past couple of years, I started growing my hair out and over time allowing it to be straight. Or I would just blow dry it out and let it fall where it did. I stopped spending an enormous amount of time making sure every piece of hair on my head was properly curled and then sprayed into place.

I didn’t think anything about it until recently. I started getting compliments from not only people I knew but complete strangers would stop me to say, they liked my hair. Now you may be thinking I am on an ego trip or something “but wait”, in my best imitation of the Price is Rights host… “there’s more.”

 So why did I cry?

God had been speaking to me lately about knowing my worth in Him. Circumstances for the prior two years had taken its toll on me mentally and not sure about you but when I am tired not just physically but more so emotionally, triggers are more apt to sneak up and create a bigger issue than was really there. The teenager with low self esteem and living into the expectations of her past that she wasn’t worthy of having her voice heard, had made an appearance. I started questioning if I really was supposed to be doing the things He had gifted and called me to do,  I started to allow others to take the lead on things they weren’t qualified to do and unfortunately the outcome was disastrous and that just added even more unworthiness.

After a few months of wrestling and rest, I started crying out and questioning. I wanted Him to know that I missed my time with Him. The time where He spoke to me often, and yes I know it’s because I was not listening as intently as I had in the past but I was in a pit and I was stuck in a cycle of not feeling worthy.

God used something that I used to spend hours on to make sure it was perfect (and might I add, I never really was complimented on, but it made me feel better), to show me He had heard my cry, and to show me I am worthy.

In Luke 12 it says, “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:7(NIV)

My prayer is that you know you too are worth more than many sparrows and according to Ephesians 2, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

I am the worlds best at forgetting this, especially when I allow the world (friends, social media etc) to be a louder influence than God’s Word.