Ask Dr. K
Dear, Dr. K,
I love my husband dearly and I know that he truly wants to see me (us) happy into our golden years. However, he tends to worry about being near me all the time rather than working on the “honey do” list that he knows needs to be done. It’s not that I don’t like his company, on the contrary, but I would like to see the small projects completed. I try to help in areas that I can, because that gives us the joy of doing something together. It’s just there are things that only he can do. I have asked him time and time again to complete them, and even explained to him that I feel like our home doesn’t matter to him. I have even asked if it is because of something that we need to buy or budget for. He says, “no, I just need to get it done.” How can I encourage him to complete these projects so that I am not so distraught by empty promises?
Sincerely,
Incomplete Honey Do
Dear Incomplete Honey Do
Having your husband complete those “Honey Do” tasks tends to be something many wives face. Oftentimes those incomplete tasks turn into points of contention that sadly impact the relationship in very negative ways. So what do you do after you have asked him to complete that list over and over again? I believe it’s important to start tackling this issue as if it were new. Meaning, start with the mindset that this is something you and your husband will work together to fix. I recommend you create a short list of tasks that are most important to you. No more than three as you don’t want him to be overwhelmed . Make sure there are two tasks he can do alone, but one task you two can do together. Next, schedule a date with your husband. Be intentional about the timing and place of the date as timing and atmospheres matter. During the date, begin telling your husband how much you appreciate all he does and the different ways he contributes to the household overall. Then bring up the topic of chores, showing him the list of the tasks you want him to complete. Share with him that his not completing the task is more than him doing the chores. That his unwillingness to do the household chores makes you feel as if he doesn’t care and you want him to understand how important this issue is to you. Make sure you also emphasize his strengths, and all the things he is doing well. Explain to him you want to problem solve together and you need his help in finding a resolution for this problem. Together, schedule the day and time the projects will be completed. Make sure the chore you pick to do together is a ‘fun’ event. Make it a big deal and make it fun. Lastly, recognize it takes time to change. Be flexible. Be patient. It always helps when you choose to notice what is going right. What tasks he has already completed, and the reasons why , in spite of all his shortcomings, he is still the man that you love, flaws and all.
