Question To Sweeten A Relationship
My father-in-law was not an easy man to love. He was quick to take offense, and even quicker to give it. He really took to heart Paul’s advice to the Ephesians that we should use the Word of God as a weapon. He didn’t use his extensive knowledge of the Bible like a sword, though, but more like a sledgehammer. Bludgeoning any opponent into agreement with his personal interpretation was his forte. There was however one person whom he loved deeply and generously. His wife, my late mother-in-law.
Unexpectedly, their love story is a romantic one. They met through a correspondence club for lonely hearts, the precursor to today’s dating apps. They had three children together and stayed married for almost sixty years, till his death in 2012. My dear husband is their only son. When my mother-in-law passed away in May this year, we cleared out her house and cleaned everything so that we could put it on the market. One of my tasks was to make the bathrooms spic and span. I had trouble with the faucets.
There were blue blobs of paint on every faucet mixer. And no matter how hard I scrubbed the blobs wouldn’t come off. “What are these blue spots?” I asked my husband, perplexed. “My mother couldn’t remember which side was hot and which side was cold. She scalded herself a couple of times. And then my father put the blue paint there to help her,” he explained. An elegant solution this was not. My father-in-law’s disregard for beauty was one of the points of contention my sister-in-law, who is an artist, had with her father. It was just a blob of paint. But it did the job.
Because I used the simple question I talk about in the heading of this article I started to see the ugly blue splotches as an act of love, a gift to his beloved wife. With this interpretation he became more human to me. I started wondering if his quarrelsomeness wasn’t a façade to hide a deep sense of shame and inferiority. In spite of all his formidable knowledge of the Bible he was unsure of himself and felt vulnerable at times and that was when he would leash out. He was an imperfect sinner. Just like me. That made me find compassion for him, one of the best human emotions to have. Compassion is the great equalizer among us. It’s different from pity, whose stance is “I do feel sorry for you, but only because I’m better than you.”
No, compassion’s viewpoint is: “For each and every one of us our only saving grace is the blood of Jesus Christ. We all need a Savior.” So, without further ado, let me share with you the simple yet powerful question you too can use to drop into compassion for your fellow humans:
“How can I look at this person differently?”
Risa is a Christian life coach, who helps women find unflappable peace and overflowing joy in their lives. Follow her on Instagram where her handle is risa4coaching.
