Surviving Childhood Trauma and Abuse – Relate

5 Powerful Keys

Key #2: Relate

Raise your hand if you have ever struggled with connecting with others because of fear of abandonment?  I see your hand and you are not alone.  (I have my hand raised, too-just FYI 🙂  Allowing yourself to relate to others when you have been deeply wounded and rejected as a child can feel absolutely frightening as an adult.  Certainly, understandable. However, one of the most important keys to healing from trauma and abuse is cultivating close relationships. Which is why Key 2-Relate plays such an important role in the process of overcoming abuse and discovering joy.

Last article I discussed Key 1 in the Bridge to Breakthroughs program, Recognize. I shared how recognizing (aka realizing/understanding) opens to the door to healing from abuse because you cannot heal hurt that you won’t recognize. In this article I am going to elaborate on Key 2-Relate.

 Heather Nelson, author of “Unashamed: Healing Our Brokenness and Finding Freedom from Shame” says, “Relational disconnection is often rooted in shame.”  Ok, so…what does that mean? “Relational disconnection” is just a fancy statement describing the struggle with creating, connecting, and communicating in safe, loving, long term relationships.  Basically, thriving in safe relationships with others. For example, we have, or desire to have, relationships with a variety of others (i.e., God, self, spouse, child, co-workers, friends, etc.) but do we feel safe, loved, supported and do we safely love and support the others in those relationships?

Unfortunately, most people who grew up in chaotic, unsafe, abusive homes, often repeat these patterns in adulthood, even though they don’t want to.  They end up reliving these dysfunctional and hurtful relationships as adult because their brains have recorded this dynamic in their limbic system of their brains; so, unconsciously they gravitate towards abusive relationships as they become adults. This obviously poses quite the challenge to survivors wanting to overcome abuse and discover joy and thrive in relationships.  

How so? Because, to heal from trauma and abuse, you need to develop and sustain close relationships. According to the 5 Domains of Post-Traumatic Growth, close relationships are crucial to healing from trauma and abuse and living a joyful life. Hence, overcoming trauma and abuse that happened in connection cannot be healed in isolation.  

Think about it, even Jesus had 12 close apostles and He was God!  If Jesus needed relationships, we sure do too. So, what’s the big deal?  Relating to others obviously helps in transforming trauma and abuse so why not just go out and give it a try?

The answer to that is twofold:
~Your injured brain automatically leads you towards hurtful relationships, thereby preventing the very thing required to heal.  
~Because relating to others in the past created rejection, hurt, loss and shame, most survivors shy away from connection and relationships. —

It’s quite the conundrum.  How to create and nurture safe relationships when you don’t know how? Especially since connection is key to creating a joyful life.

The good news is that’s where Key 2 in The Bridge to Breakthroughs comes in! Key 2 is where the learning how to do that happens. And what better relationship to start with than one with God who loves you unconditionally and will never hurt you? Learning how to relate to, and with God provides the foundation for giving and receiving in a 100% safe relationship.  This, in turn, transforms and heals the brain which paves the way for learning to relate to yourself with compassion and consequently, others, thereby breaking the abuse cycle. Yeah!!!

Better yet, a relationship with God is crucial because a lack of unconditional love causes shame and God offers us His unconditional love all the time forever.  His unconditional love will transform that shame which will make it less painful to relate to yourself and thus, you no longer seek love in fruitless hurtful relationships. In fact, Dr. Timothy Jennings a leading board-certified psychiatrist and master psychopharmacologist has found that building and nurturing a relationship with God heals the traumatized brain.  This healing not only transforms shame that keeps survivors stuck but subsequently, creates new patterns attracting healthy relationships that you desire and deserve.

Now that you can see why Key 2-Relate plays such an important role in healing from trauma and abuse, let’s look at how to start to build that powerful, transformative relationship with God. Before we do that, keep in mind when getting to know God more personally that a relationship with Him is just that-a relationship. It’s not a scorecard to be kept or a check box to check off.  There is not list of how to relate to God correctly.  This is your relationship to explore with you and God.

Here’ some ideas to get you started:

• Start your day off before you open your eyes.  Take a few deep breaths and ask God to help you really feel His love for you.  Breathe in God’s deep love that surpasses all understanding.  Repeat as many times as necessary.   
• Be aware of God’s presence with you always. Talk to Him while you go for a walk, drive in your car, or cook dinner.  Tell Him anything and everything!  Sing with Him or to Him as you drive.  He doesn’t care about your voice LOL! He can handle it and wants to be a part of your day.
• Meditate using an app like Abide and make the intention to receive the unconditional love God has for you.
• If sitting still with Him feels scary (stillness can feel to abuse survivors especially early on in recovery) imagine God holding your hand as you walk along a beach or hike along a trail.  Just walk with Him feeling His powerful presence and support.
• If sitting still is not an issue, spend time closing your eyes and imagine curling up in God’s lap.  Focus on feeling His powerful, peaceful, and gentle arms keeping you safe and loved.  Stay there and just feel His unconditional love as you breathe.
• Close your eyes and imagine handing over all your fears, disappointments, anger, and anxiety.  Just drop it in His lap and then fall at Jesus’ feet.  Notice how your body feels.
• Get a Bible you can color and journal in like The NIV Beautiful Coloring Bible read passages about who God is and who you are as His child then meditate on them as you doodle.

Make this relationship your own.  Just like your relationships with others differ in what you do or how you spend time together, do the same with this relationship.   The more you get to know and receive God’ love, the more you will see yourself as His fearfully wonderfully made child and then be able to relate to yourself as such.

Relating to God paves the way for all your future relationships and is the best relationship to start with because no matter what you do or don’t do, God will always love you without any condition.

For more information on The Bridge to Breakthroughs program reach out to Gina at gina@ginarolkowski.com.

Stay tuned in two weeks for the third Key in The Bridge to Breakthroughs program.