Seeing Beyond My Sin

I was in a hurry. How many times does our story start with those words? And how do those words affect our holy work? I was in a hurry. It was our family’s first thanksgiving back in America after living in Japan for three years, and I wanted it to be perfect. I thought I was clever going to the grocery on Tuesday, figuring everyone else would go on Wednesday. I was not.  I hurried to the store, list in hand, eager to buy all the things you need for a fabulous Thanksgiving dinner. As I entered the store, I saw a man with a sign asking for help. In my haste, I walked right by him, barely giving him a second thought. I grabbed a cart and filled it to the brim and beyond. I should probably mention that my cart was 90% full of items for just that one meal. You see, our refrigerator was already packed with the usual things you need to feed your family throughout the week. 

The lines were long, giving me time to think about something other than the upcoming meal and celebration of gratitude as I waited. Instead, my mind wandered to turning on the Christmas lights I already put up. I’d gone all out that year and couldn’t wait to see my kids’ faces as we lit them after dinner on Thanksgiving evening. My mind continued to wander over mundane thoughts, and I remembered the man asking for money outside of the store. So I decided to buy him a meal at the fast-food place right beside us when I left. I was feeling oh so charitable and caring. I paid for my groceries and went outside, ready to make my magnanimous gesture. However, I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the man was gone. I slowly went out to my car, loaded up the groceries, disappointed that I missed this encounter. 

I sat down in the driver’s seat of the car and tried to picture the man. I could clearly remember his knock-off carharts, his blue plaid flannel lined to be warmer, and his green, shabby baseball cap. I saw the sign, “need help”. But I couldn’t remember his face. I didn’t start the car right away on that cold Tuesday; I just sat there. Tears filled my eyes as I realized I didn’t see the man. I was too busy. And then I was boasting in my own heart that I would buy this man a mere meal at a fast food joint when my back seat was filled with $200 worth of groceries for one meal. I failed that man that day. And worse, I failed my God, my Savior.  This story that happened twenty-plus years ago showed me to be a prideful, selfish, greedy, and pampered Christian.  

Jesus so beautifully walked the fruits of the spirit in His divine humanity. He was peaceful, patient, and kind. He gave long hours to people who didn’t understand Him, kindly explaining who his Father was and patiently giving them the clues they needed to see their long-awaited Messiah. Jesus lived a life of self-control, slow to anger and even then only righteous outrage. He lived simply, using only what was needed. Our Savior served the people with a grace-filled heart. And oh how He loved! Jesus loved audaciously, choosing horrific pain and rejection as His blood spilled for our sins. 

That day in the car, Holy Spirit washed over me, convicting me to be come a true woman of God. A woman who loves well, prays big, and hears the voice of her Savior often. I rarely walk past someone with a help sign without praying with them and giving to them. Many have said giving cash is probably not the best idea, but I don’t see it this way. My job is to be the hands and feet of Jesus, meet people where they are. My job is not to judge a situation I know nothing about. 

God thawed my heart frozen from selfishness and pride that day. His grace and mercy overflowed warming my heart to the joy of humility and service. Today, I am still not where I want to be, but I am much closer to doing that holy work I long for. It will never be perfect this side of heaven, I know. But every attempt makes a difference for those that need to see the hands and feet of Jesus. And that is the whole point!