Ask Dr. K

Dear Dr. K,

I am recently divorced from a physically and emotionally abusive husband. We have two adopted children together. Our son is over 18 years old and chooses not to spend time with his dad. My ex-husband has visitation rights with our daughter. He has not shown any type of violence or abuse toward our daughter and she enjoys her time with him (since he showers her with all the electronics and gifts that I do not allow her to use in my house). My ex-husband has been telling flat-out lies to our daughter about me and it has started to drive a wedge between us. I understand my options as laid-out by my lawyer, but I am not ready to fight that battle yet. What would you suggest for me to do in order to not undermine my daughter’s dad, but to still defend myself to her? And how can I rebuild our trust and relationship when someone is actively working to undermine it?

Love,
Distraught Mom

Dear Distraught Mom,

First, I want to say I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. It is so important that YOU are taking care of YOU! You can only parent and advocate as well as you feel. Self-care is so important as you maneuver through this rough season in your life. Your faith, your prayer life, deep breathing, and journaling are tools I would suggest at this time in your life. Learn to be clear what is your battle to fight, and what you simply have to let go. Having said that, validate and encourage your son in his decision to not spend time with his father. Frame it in such a way that you are praying and hoping this will change, but proud that your son refuses to continue to be the brunt of his mistreatment or abuse. In a perfect world, you and your husband could be friendly, and be a joint supportive force for your children. However, based on your description of your ex, it is wise and healthy to allow distance and time to continue to be between the both of you. You are allowed to decide that you are not willing to give up your peace for his chaos and toxicity. Understand you can and will outlive all the lies he chooses to tell your daughter. Your weapon of choice in fighting the battle with your daughter is communication, always talking to her and telling her the truth, whether she chooses to believe it or not. Staying connected to her by way of quality time together, speaking life into and building her up. Communicate to her that your ex’s weapon of choice is lies and how you continually defend yourself is not getting caught up in a web of words or actions. Let PEACE and nurturing, growing, and watering your relationship with your daughter remain your focus. Your daughter’s well-being and her mental health is far more important than getting caught up in the game your husband is trying to play. Take his power away by giving him no response and keeping your love and focus on her. This will in time, allow your daughter to see your ex for who he really is and she will need to begin to face that reality. 

In closing, may I suggest therapy for you, and your children? Having a soft place to fall, a listening ear and support is what all of you deserve, especially now.

Hope this helps,
Dr.K

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