Ask Dr. K
Dear Dr. K,
My husband and I have been told that we are infertile. I desperately want to have a child but am open to adoption. I am having a difficult time accepting the fact that my body is broken and that my dream of being a mother will have to be delayed and involve a much more complicated process than I had envisioned.
I don’t know how to shake these feelings of inadequacy. I don’t know how to move onto acceptance. I want to feel enthusiastic about starting the adoption process, but I am still grieving about my lost dream.
Sad in San Fran
Dear Sad in San Fran,
So may I start by saying you are not broken.You are grieving, but you’re not broken. How you see yourself matters. The words you say to yourself matter and you deserve to be loved by YOU in word and deed even through this. The constant and gnawing pain of infertility is like an invisible presence that seems to invade your whole being and never go away. Beginning to embrace that you are not less of a woman because of it is a good place to start. You are still a whole woman, filled with dreams, beauty and so much more than your inability to have children. Understand one of the first steps to take is to embrace Grace and know there is no right or wrong way to feel. However,begin to interrupt those thoughts or feelings that make you feel as though you are damaged goods. Reprogram those negative thoughts or ‘stinking thinkin” by channeling positive ones. When it comes to social events, acknowledge your limits. It’s ok to gracefully decline invitations. Begin a self-care routine where you focus on both your physical and emotional health. Deep breathing, Yoga, Journaling and enjoying adult activities such as vacations and spas are also ways to be delightfully distracted. Make sure you have a support system that allows you to share how you really feel. It is also important that you and your husband communicate and validate each other’s feelings. Therapy may be a place for you to begin to embrace and accept the things you can and cannot change. While adoption may not be your desired choice, maybe in time, you will be more open to the idea. Don’t try to force anything. Allow your process to be your process and trust, in time, that you will be able to accept and embrace what you are enduring, one day at a time. Remember it is important to give yourself Grace and give yourself Time. You are stronger than you think you are. Don’t doubt your resilience. You are Beautiful. You are Worthy. You are Enough.
With love and Prayers,
Dr.K
