Between the Lines

It’s never too late to do the right thing

May 4^th, 2022

Chapter 2: BEFORE

Ephesians 3:20, ‘Never doubt God’s mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for His miraculous power constantly energizes you.’ (TPT)

The panic in his chest built up like an explosion, like the way a sparkler acts out on Fourth of July, it’s sparks and psst-ing and toxic smell bubbling out of its orifices. That’s what he thought of as he raced through downtown rush-hour traffic. What the heck, he muttered under his breath, barely keeping it between the lines. He traced the words he’d just been told with his tongue, and they tasted funny, a foreign language. Jessie sighed, then pounded the heel of his hand on the steering wheel. ‘For cryin’ out loud! Move! My baby’s coming.’  At once the freeway stopped on cue, as if instructed by a director, a big fat ‘Back-at-ya!’ in his face. Not a hair, not a breath, even moved. And for the first time in ages, Jessie cried. ‘God!’ he yelled, ‘Where are You!’ and his head hit the wheel. Twenty-eight weeks ain’t enough, and the god-awful truth tasted like asphalt in his mouth.

The worst thing about sitting still, stuck in a jam, peeking around the vehicles in front of you to try to glimpse the wreckage, is often not the waste of time, the standstill trajectory of everyone’s life around you, not just yours. It’s the unknown. That’s what causes the world to upend, people to lose their minds, the pulse driving others to decide really idiotic decisions. Jessie would think back on this day perhaps for the rest of his life and imagine this was the moment when he went mad. If he could have one do-over, this would be it, and perhaps the entirety of his life might play out differently forever.

For what seemed like a very long time, Jessie inched along the freeway. He called her number, but Shanna didn’t pick up. He tried that handful of guys who had his back, well, way back when, but he suddenly realized he hadn’t spoken to any of them, even his best friend, in months. Since Shanna was pregnant and that news had changed the game. Face it, you got no one else to call, the ugly truth came at him at times like this, a blatant lonely reminder, he was alone. He had been, then Shan came along, and she’d changed everything. No matter what compromises he’d had to adjust to, what concessions he’d made, it was worth it because he’d never be alone again. He knew loneliness better than he knew his name, and suddenly, she changed all of that, with her loneliness too and her vulnerability. She needed him and wanted him, and it made him feel like a king, being her king.

But right now, right now, he felt lonelier than ever before, with the ringing in his ear and the call going straight to voicemail. Twenty-eight weeks wasn’t long enough to cook a baby, he thought. What the…? How did it happen? And a small voice whispered back, ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. And in all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your steps.’ Shocked—he couldn’t even remember the name of his boss whom he saw every day all day, and this verse had just come to his memory?! Incredible! he thought and couldn’t wait to tell Shan, and then the dread set in again.

How could this have happened? Jessie realized he didn’t want to know and didn’t even know if he had the guts to face whatever there was to face when he arrived at the hospital. It was so unexpected and way too soon. They had been trying to wrap their heads around being pregnant and having a baby and commitment but at least they had months to get there. Suddenly, the baby was coming, he’d been told, and it wasn’t even close to time.

The traffic inched along. He would have been faster standing still, he thought. But at once before his eyes, they, the story of us, played out. What unlikely a couple they were. Two shattered people, barely making it, facing every brow-beating that came their way. But they hadn’t…faced. Shanna hid in her drug, and he hid in prison. The baby, Zachary, came to be and they neither one had time—not enough time—to work anything out. Then they even lost sacred weeks, if Shan was really in labor right now. Talk about a recipe for disaster, Jessie thought sadly. O God please not yet! Please don’t let Zachary come yet, Jessie cried aloud to himself and the innards of his car. Nothingness sounded back but Jessie knew that meant he should search his soul, something he had been avoiding. For the last handful of years, he’d been walking with Jesus. Step by step, day by day; sometimes, moment by moment, if that’s what it took. He’d been doing time and Jesus was like his breath. So close he could feel it; could feel Him.

Then he’d gotten released, and he had to make it out here. Truth? It was easier and safer and reliable inside. Prison? Yeah. He knew what to expect. Out here, he knew nothing. One thing led to another, and he had good friends. People who cared and stepped in, walked alongside. He had a good job and a great beginning and eventually a car and an even better job and rented his first-ever apartment alone. My best life ever, he uttered often. And then he met Shan. It’s like life stood still. She looked at him and she really saw him, first time ever. Ever. He’d been seen. She could melt butter with her gaze on him. No one had ever seen him through that glance. Jessie felt invincible. Larger than life. If he could just keep it between the lines and figure out life from this view; it could be really good.

He remembered just the way he felt when he realized she was using behind his back. He didn’t know what to expect. She battled with meth, she’d told him once, and then it was Fentanyl, she said. He couldn’t believe anything that fell out of her mouth after that; he’d been there before, long ago, and he couldn’t even believe one word he had said. ‘If you ever use again,’ he said as he held her tight, so afraid she would vanish in a poof if he let go, ‘We’re done. For good. Got that?!’ She nodded with her big wide crazy eyes and reached to her tiptoes to place a kiss on his cheek.

At once, his phone began to ring on the seat beside him. He doubted they’d moved a mile. Ugh, he sighed. ‘Hello?’

‘Hello? Is this Mr. Clune?’ Jessie gulped and didn’t think he’d answered but the woman spoke anyway. ‘Mr. Clune? Are you close by? Are you aware that your—uh, Shanna gave birth to a baby less than an hour ago? We were hoping you could be here in time, but ya know, them babies, they jus’ don’t wait often. Anyway, the baby is here. Tiny but a fighter, and is fighting now to stay alive. Where are you?! Your family needs you.’

Jessie, his fist literally in his mouth to keep him from screaming and saying something he couldn’t take back, nodded as if the woman on the other end could see him; then he pressed the ‘END’ button. He realized he had forgotten to ask anything particular, even if the baby was the son he had been praying for. He could see the outline of the hospital in the distance, its shadow imprinted on the winter night sky. He’d barely moved on this freeway; this wasn’t working. Grabbing everything of importance, he put it in park and turned off the car and stepped out into the cold night air. He felt alive for the first time in a long time, and as he locked up the car and took off in the direction of the place where his baby and his girl were waiting for him, he smiled and thanked God. Maybe this is a turn for the better, he thought, as he began to jog.

Between the Lines is based upon a true story. What does God’s faithfulness truly look like? Is it the same in every situation? He is wholly trustworthy; therefore, there is victory, even if it doesn’t resemble everything we imagined.