Between the Lines
It’s never too late to do the right thing
May 18th, 2022
Chapter 8: BEFORE – I’ve Come Undone
Ephesians 3:20, ‘Never doubt God’s mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for His miraculous power constantly energizes you.’ (TPT)
She camped on a couple couches; lost sight of herself. It hadn’t done any good to fly right, to be straight. All those promises she’d made herself, sworn to Jessie, bargains with God. None of it had mattered at all. She’d done her part, as far as Shan was concerned. She had promised God—if He would just let everything be okay, if Zachary made it through those first forty-eight hours, if Zachary made it then through the next days then weeks, then a month and beyond, if Zachary was unharmed and healthy and could lead a normal life, if all her little family had been through turned out okay and the truth about his premature birth and the games she was playing with everyone around her, including herself, could fade into the past—if all of it turned out alright—she’d wagered with this God she knew little about, she’d never use again. She would make a 180-degree about face, she’d repent. She would follow Him and only Him and never ever pick up a hit again. She had jones’ed for it, she had sweat over it, she had longed and yearned and hallucinated until she came undone. But she had kept her end of the deal. Why hadn’t God? He supposedly kept His word, but not to her, not to her at all.
The day they had been summoned by the hospital personnel and Child Protective Services (CPS), Shan knew. She knew right away, and her heart sunk within her, fell from her chest, down through her stomach and all the way to the soles of her feet. Jessie had looked at them with wide eyes, a question mark scrawled across his face. ‘Wha…wha…what’s wrong?’ he’d stammered. ‘Where’s Za…Zachary? D…d…did something ha…happen?’
‘You tell us,’ they had replied smoothly, in unison. His face paled while hers turned a brilliant pink. Her scalp even felt on fire. His innocence was completely truthful as he looked at them with incredulity. Suddenly he’d turned to Shanna, accusation painting him red. ‘Wh…what d…d…did you do?’
She would hear their words forever ring in her ears, haunt her in nightmares. It would drive her straight back to what she had just left behind. ‘We’ll save you the show.’ The CPS lady was caustic. ‘Nurse, will you share what you have discovered?’ Shanna wanted to climb under the desk where they were meeting. The nurse stared sadly at her, while CPS barged forward. ‘We were contacted by Zachary’s team of nurses, who were largely concerned for your son. They had suspicions and valid reason to conduct testing on the umbilical cord, and I’m sure there’s no reason to even share our findings with you. But just in case you are curious, your baby tested positive for having Fentanyl in his system.’
A pin could be heard falling on the floor, a paper even. Shan held her breath like she might pass out. Jessie stared straight ahead as if she didn’t exist. For a long time. Then he turned to her and with a ferociousness she didn’t realize he had in him, he seethed, ‘How dare you! How dare you do this to my son. To me. To this family.’ Not one stutter. Not a clerical error in the least. Then he had turned back to the people who held their entire future in their hands. ‘Wh…what does this me…mean for Za…Zachary? My god, is my son going to be okay?’
The memory was painful, black and blue and bruised, and once upon a time, Shan had held it to herself like a lifeline. Anytime, she began to feel alright about life, she’d take out the horror of what she had caused and what had murdered the hopes she’s had for her family, what she had done, and in no time at all, the pathetic finger would be jammed back in her face again. ‘Look what you did!’ it taunted. ‘What a failure you are! Your ruined everyone’s chances for a future together.’ She’d crawl right back to that hole where the junk was, where the needles were, where she lost herself in the absorption of the high and the ability to not care about a thing. Then, she didn’t have to think about Jessie, the baby, the mess she’d made, nothing mattered but the next hit.
Word on the streets was Zachary had been placed with a foster family, an older couple who had no drugs hidden in a purple Crown Royal bag nor secrets in their past. Jessie was trying desperately to fight for their son, but the years he had spent doing time for sexual offenses on minor children were a glaring red flag to CPS and treatment officials, and every day that passed, seemed further and farther away from anything hopeful. Shan thought to herself—when she let herself think, that is—how strange it was like it had never even happened. It was like she’d had this dream about this amazing guy who had loved her more than she’d ever been loved, and together that love had made this baby and built this once-bright future, and suddenly she awakened, and it was like it had never been.
She’d bounced to another house some time ago, couch-surfing, selling her soul. She didn’t have the energy to get up and go even though she had worn out her welcome. This is the place where she was staying when she’d first met Jessie, she thought hazily. All the memories had been on the tip of her mind, right on the edge, for days now. It hurt and yet was comforting in a fanatical sense, like he was close by, and she could be wrapped in the promise that he had been for real once upon a painful time ago. Suddenly, as if Shanna had conjured him out of nothing, a knock was heard across the room. With great effort she wandered toward the door, holding her breath. What she would give if it would just be Jessie there on the other side, just to see him one more time.
‘’Who is it?’ Shanna called out.
There was a long pause, then, ‘Sha…Shanna, open the door. It’s me, Jessie. I ne…need to ta…talk to you about something.’
Isaiah 58:9-12, ‘“If you get rid of unfair practices, quit blaming victims, quit gossiping about other people’s sins, If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out, Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight. I will always show you where to go. I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—firm muscles, strong bones. You’ll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You’ll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again.’ (MSG)
Between the Lines is based upon a true story. What does God’s faithfulness truly look like? Is it the same in every situation? He is wholly trustworthy; therefore, there is victory, even if it doesn’t resemble everything we imagined.
