Flimsy

I’m feeling a little flimsy these days.

My gossamer heart is weak and insubstantial for the tasks before me. I thought I would be further along by now. I didn’t think that I would still be needing to be needed; to be built up constantly, escalated, consoled; every failure commiserated and eulogized, laid to rest in proper burials of collapse and decline. Goodness, how did we get here, resounds in my head. I can’t quite seem to find my voice, and this time, the question is not rhetorical. It demands an answer. It deserves one.

Even my voice is shaky. My thoughts are rickety, spindle legs, like those homes they build on the coast, on tall pillars. Where one wave might crash through the fortress and wreck destruction. That’s what my thoughts are doing right now, wrecking havoc on my fortress. Instinctively, I steel myself, I resolve within myself, I absolve, no, I concur, and eventually, succumb. I am no force at all to be reckoned with anymore. I’ve braced myself for the storm. Now what? It just keeps getting worse. My strength feels like that doll with the stretchy arms and legs. All stretched out, tied in knots. I’m feeling a little flimsy these days. Nahum 2:1 An attacker advances against you, Ninevah. Guard the fortress, watch the road, brace yourselves, marshal all your strength (NIV).

My mind is a battlefield and my emotions are a playground. There is a ninja carrying a machete and planting landmines and an errant child running about well after curfew with a sack of sugar and a container of caffeine. There is certainly no rest for the wicked or weary. I didn’t think I would still be dreaming up these disasters, giving credence to un-Christ-like concerns. He has the whole wide world in His hands, right? I mean, nothing fell through the nail print, right? He still has it all…right?

Then, why do I feel this way? I keep checking in with Him. Our Father, which art in heaven, why is Your will not here on earth like it is said it is in heaven? I am trying to give it to Him, but it seems He isn’t taking it from me. My cup certainly runneth over but not with what He promised, the good stuff, the liquid gold, good tidings, great joy. You know, all that stuff. Does He even see me? Does He even know what matters to me? I’m feeling a little flimsy these days. Psalm 138:8a The Lord will perfect that which concerns me (NKJV).

Even if I was allowed, I can’t go into public right now because the voices of the world have me so freaked out. I jump every time I see the mask on my own face looking back at me from the store windows. The mask that conceals the smile I once wore proudly. I can’t breathe the outside air; it contains microorganisms that target invasion of my lungs, and now even, my heart and tissues. I bet they say my brain will be eaten next. But that doesn’t really matter anyway because I know there are enraged protestors hidden behind every storefront who are just waiting to unleash on me since I didn’t wake up the right color with the proper purpose today. A rioter will take me out before this bug even has a chance to. Or my city will burn or the economy will crash or the political powers will detonate one another. And, oh yeah, the world is coming to an end. Tomorrow or maybe the next day. I’m feeling a little flimsy these days. Matthew 6:34 Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes (MSG).

My restless soul stirs a melting pot to a boiling point. Everything is simmering lately it seems. Even the air simmers. How did I go from resting to this restlessness that now defines me? And how do I get back there? Maybe I was tossed in a washing machine and I’m stuck in the spin cycle. Ever since this year began – you know, the year that was supposed to be like perfect, you know, 20/20 – ever since then, my spirit feels chaotic, psychedelic, tumultuous. I have lost sense of what is righteous and worthy. Somewhere along the way I let my grip slip. I think I let the voices of this world drown out the whisper of the lover of my soul. I allowed the cacophony to quench the calm of the Spirit. I’m feeling a little flimsy these days. James 4:7-10 So let God work His will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and He’ll be there in no time. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it is the only way you will get on your feet (MSG).

It is suddenly so evident! Before the choice makes me, I must choose to own my thoughts; I must take dominion over the squall within my soul. I had it all planned out; have had for quite some time. I was the perfect kid who came through the right amount of trouble mixed with the perfect amount of grace. I was going to have the perfect career and meet the perfect mate and we would build the American dream which housed a perfect home containing 2.5 children and a dog and cat and the perfect white picket fence. In a perfect scheme, there isn’t a blueprint for disaster; there’s no such thing as a perfect storm. And maybe that is one of the things that God wants His children, including me, to realize this year. That anything can change in a moment, even the best laid plans of man; that everything is temporal, and there is One, and only One, Who can speak something in to existence or out of existence, only One Who the wind and waves and viruses obey. My mind is whirring. I know enough from Sunday School; I’ve sat through enough sermons. How was it that the storm that day on the sea was so violent, so furious and deadly, yet He slept through it! It could not awaken the One Who created it. But Jesus heard the persuasive cries of the disciples over the roar of the tempest. Why was that? I’d like to think it is because He was close enough and He is in tune enough with His children to hear their feeble cries for help, that He can hear my cries and yours. I’m feeling a little flimsy these days. Luke 8:23-24 But as they were sailing, He fell asleep. And a fierce gale of wind swept down [as if through a wind tunnel] on the lake, and they began to be swamped, and were in great danger. They came to Jesus, and woke Him, saying, ‘Master! Master! We are about to die!’ He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging, violent waves, and they ceased, and it became calm [a perfect peacefulness] (AMP).

So if what I hope is genuine is real; if Jesus hears the lamentations of His children over the forces of nature, if Jesus is attuned to the sound of even the words I can’t cry, if Jesus sees through all the layers of what lies hidden and buried, the dreams that died before they germinated, if Jesus takes time to banish in me the lies I believe about myself because of what I was told by the enemy and instead replaces them with truth He died to proclaim…if all of this is true…then why am I feeling flimsy these days? Isaiah 55:9 As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts (NIV).

I might be coming undone. I unraveled once. My seams came apart. I imploded on the inside. I made some really poor choices – you know! be careful because your choices will make you – I tried to plug every hole that was leaking emotion with anything I could get to fill those holes; I looked at the emptiness of every container; I found myself at the bottom of every bottle. I had no idea that the answer couldn’t be found on social media or in the stars, in a diet drink or exercise plan or my 401k. I was feeling flimsy then too. He spoke it so simply in the depth of me, in a whisper. It drowned out the megaphone screams yammering for my attention. It was like when I discovered Google Maps. I didn’t need to search any longer. I had an internal navigation system already! John 14:6 I AM the Way and the Truth and the Life (NIV).

I thought I had gotten it altogether. I was thriving in the light; abundance and growth. The arrogance of this season now boasts an idiosyncrasy: a failed crop, no harvest here, the discouragement sucking light, the oxygen-starved world burping photosynthesis while I digest failure. I wonder if God thought I’d be further by now too; does He have a panic attack when He thinks about where I should have been instead of where I am?!

The thought hits me like a sledge. I surface, gasping. I had it together. Why would a little virus, a little anger, a little fatigue, a little aloneness, a little money, a little unknown, a lot confusion; why would it block His intention for my soul? Is there any possibility that any circumstance wrestling me comes as a shock to the God of the Universe?! Could it possibly be that, although we are out of control, He is fully in control? Could it possibly be that while I am feeling a little flimsy, fragile, feeble, shaky these days, He is fully God, a firm foundation, unshakeable, steady and strong. John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace. In the world you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous [be confident, be undaunted, be filled with joy]; I have overcome the world (AMP).

I’m feeling a little flimsy these days. Psalm 107:28-31 Then we cried out, “Lord, help us! Rescue us! And He did! God stilled the storm, calmed the waves, and He hushed the hurricane winds to only a whisper. We were so relieved, so glad as He guided us safely to harbor in a quiet haven. So lift your hands and give thanks to God for His marvelous kindness and for His miracles of mercy for those He loves (TPT)!