God Only Gives You What You Can Handle

“Bang, slide, click,” is not merely the opening line from my new books, Attorney Behind Bars/One Smooth Stone, but were indeed the traumatic sounds I heard on a daily basis during my recent incarceration in the Questelles jail cell in St. Vincent. Being a woman of integrity and honesty, volunteering in the legal profession for the past 7 years I could never have anticipated being on the wrong side of the prison bars. 

The sad reality is that I am not the first person to be falsely imprisoned and even more disconcerting is I that will not be the last person. When we think about Christ’s death and crucifixion there should be no doubt in the mind of a Christian that there was a profound purpose and meaning behind Jesus’ “Imprisonment” and punishment. Luke 21:12 tells us that “…they will seize you and persecute you. They will hand you over to synagogues and put you in prison…and all on account of my name.”

The Bible doesn’t lie. It remains relevant in today’s world. As Hebrews 4:12 notes, “it is powerful and sharper than any two edged sword.” God knows exactly what you need and when you need it; and, I’m convinced that He fully equips you before sending you out to fulfill the mission He has for you to accomplish for that day, week, month, or year. I was never more convinced of this then on Sunday 30th May 2021 as I sat through the sermon: “A Living Hope in Troubled Times”. This was my first service at this particular church and I had been apprehensive about attending. Just days before on the 27th May I had wanted God to take my life. I had been at rock bottom, experiencing feelings of being used and abused by the entire country of St. Vincent. Looking back I made some pretty extreme statements, but I was very broken and distraught. Despite all I had been feeling I was still alive and well.  That sermon spoke directly to me. In fact I was probably the most enthusiastic congregant with my frequent loud Amen’s. 

The words written on the PowerPoint were exactly what I was going through which for me was the confirmation that I was where God wanted me to be. Although I could not foresee the future I was equipped nonetheless with the encouragement that came from the story of Paul and Silas being in jail (Acts 16:19-40). I know knew exactly what I would do. I would sing hymns in prison. At that time I had already resolved to going to prison. I did not know where or how things would transpire but I had made an internal decision to stand up and fight for what I believed in. Truth be told I did not want to go to prison, but I was willing to allow the law to take its course even in my innocence.

The only reservation I had was undergoing a bodily exam particularly as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse from the ages of 4 – 10 by my mother’s first husband. Fortunately, that did not happen, nor was I ever handcuffed but aside from that I did have the “complete” experience. 1 Corinthians 10:13b is my favourite scripture that gives me so much encouragement. I hold onto it when I’m going through trials because it serves as a reminder that “God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.” I believe that this is why God spared me from the additional humiliation of a bodily search particularly as no crime had even been committed. I was innocent. 

That first day of incarceration was difficult. I couldn’t concentrate on the book I was reading as the words kept swimming around on the page. I wanted to cry but somehow God held back the floodgates of my eyes. Instead I sang. The problem was I could not remember any of the words. I did however know plenty of hymns, so I reverted from trying to sing contemporary songs to old fashioned hymns. The scripture in Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is older, he will not depart from it,” took on a very real meaning in my life. Having grown up in church, singing hymns every week, when I chose to emulate Paul and Silas prison worship all the contemporary songs failed me, whilst the hymns remained. The foundation I had been given served me well during my time of intense isolation. There is so much power in worship that I had never experienced before because on the only two occasions when I wanted to cry, through singing songs that melancholy moment passed by. God is the greatest teacher who sees the full potential of us His students. When friends and family try effortlessly to protect us from the trials and storms of life they seem to be forgetting the encouragement of James 1:2 that we should be joyful in our persecution.

As a born again Christian from the age of 15, I understood that there were certain experiences I would face many of which would push me, stretch me and test me. Being so bold in my faith, whether with my words or Team Jesus statements on clothing (in Muslim countries) meant I was constantly under spiritual attack. I held onto James 1:2 but that didn’t make it easier. I knew that God gave His biggest battles to His strongest warriors but I wanted a break. I knew the power of my words and was not ashamed to share every praise report and miracle just as Revelation 12:11 says “..they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony.” I loved the Lord who often spoiled me, answering my prayers before I asked, opening doors that only He could, and giving me phenomenal experiences around the world. 

I, of course, had done nothing to deserve His lavish gifts but I guess we had an understanding. Although there were times when I wished I could hear an audible voice and have a crystal ball moment with him (in the area of romantic relationships) He did speak to me, give me confirmation and peace about various decisions. Having been blessed to single-handedly travel around the world and have so many divine appointments with complete strangers I had developed the gift of faith. God spoke to me in a very specific way, I was often in constant communication with Him which enabled me at times to make spur of the moment decisions. In fact, I would liken myself to Daniel in the lions den, the three men in the fire, the one walking on water, and the guy by the burning bush. What did they all have in common? Faith. They stepped out of their comfort zone, ignored any nagging doubts, fears of voices of negativity and they put their complete trust in God.

Having lived like this for the past decade I see things differently to my counterparts who often would advise me to make decisions based on fear. When I disobey them and obey God things have never once gone wrong. The Lord promises to never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5) and I can wholeheartedly attest that this is true. There have been so many instances when it appears that every door is closed, and that I should take matters into my own hands. I never do and God always shows up at the 11th hour.

In each season of waiting, my patience for God’s perfect timing is where my blessing lies. Instead of moving ahead of God and it backfiring financially, I trust that He has heard and will answer my prayer during my time of need. I talk to God, I think supernaturally, listen to His confirmation and wait. By doing so I’ve experienced miracle after miracle in my life on an almost daily basis. Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.” By truly understanding this scripture, experiences like my false imprisonment start to make a semblance of sense.

Being falsely imprisoned isn’t something your average person will go through. I guess it’s the “chosen” few who for any number of reasons find themselves subjected to the harsh side of the law. As someone very passionate about the formerly incarcerated and those still serving prison sentences I can safely assume that God will use this experience in line with that passion. I’m a firm believer in second chances (John 3:16) and maybe my horrendous ordeal is to give me a stronger voice in my missions in advocating for the human rights of trafficking victims. Empathy requires so much more than soft words. It’s truly understanding what a person is going through. When I think about the Lord’s unwillingness to throw in the towel by taking His own life I admire His strength. At the same time whilst believing that the whole of St. Vincent was against me I understood completely how Jesus felt when He said, “…remove this cup from me.” Luke 22:42. Those feelings I had were overwhelming powerful but fleeting because just two months later they become a distant memory. This also serves as a reminder of 1 Corinthians 10:13b because my trials did not debilitate me and destroy my life. On the contrary, I’ve become stronger because of it. As the popular saying goes, “No man is an island,” which although true doesn’t always apply. In my own experience, there have been many times when I have to push against unsolicited advice and following the quietest voice, that of the Holy Spirit. Even when we think back to many famous Bible characters, they were often alone. Now, there is nothing wrong with wise counsel or the company of other believers but we need to test the spirit (1 John 4:1). Think about when Peter was walking on water (Matthew 14:22-33), it is highly likely that the other disciples in the boat were telling him to get back inside. If that was the case they were well meaning, concerned for his safety and quite simply didn’t want him to drown.

When we translate that to modern day times we will find that friends and family likewise want to protect us, so will advice us out of that place of protection. If Daniel avoided his experience in the lions den (Daniel 6:1-16) on the advice of concerned family and friends what would his testimony be? Nothing as powerful as it was. We should never underestimate the power of God. He is real, unchanging and still in the business of doing miracles. Just as many a song lyric that God picks us up and places our feet on solid ground, when we are in relationship with Him, He is our firm foundation. During and after my incarceration I experienced rejection, betrayal, and abandonment. People I considered friends, colleagues, and even fellow acquaintances in the legal profession completely dropped me. 

I was tarnished and stigmatized despite my innocence which truth be told had me start second guessing if I should have allowed myself to have been caught up in the whole imprisonment  situation. Although I do however have no regrets, that does not change the fact that I have been ostracized. At the same time when considering the life that I’ve chosen to lead once I became a Christian, it’s a reality that I would have eventually experienced and now probably much sooner than later. God wants our whole hearts and our whole being. Are you willing to go to prison for your faith, be rejected and abandoned by the people that you love all for the sake of Christ? God is faithful to us, so let’s remain steadfast and be faithful to Him.