Hope for the Hurting with Dr. Mel Tavares

Surviving the First Months of an Empty Nest

My nest is empty, after nearly 38 years. I’m not going to sugarcoat the pain and anguish I feel when my 22 year old baby pulled out of the driveway in the U-Haul and started his solo cross-county move to Kansas. I cried for about six hours straight. Not just a tear every now and then, but full-on ugly crying for hour after hour. Self-talking did no good, as I kept urging myself to pull it together. Sleep finally came when I got a text saying he’d made it safely to the first night’s destination to see a college roommate. 

It’s not that I wasn’t happy that he’s met the love of his life and they’re busy planning their wedding. I am thrilled to gain a daughter-in-law. Genesis 2:24 reminds us that a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. The wedding venue is booked and plans are underway. 

It’s not that I am not happy that he’s starting life on his own and standing on his own two feet. After all, isn’t that why I spent 22 years investing in molding and shaping him into the amazing young man he is today? Well, yes, but… But I wasn’t expecting him to move so far away. I just imagined he’d come by for dinner or to raid the fridge every now and then. 

For the next three days, I awaited text messages letting me know he’d gotten safely from one spot to another. I opened the doors to his bedroom and game room many times and closed them again, undecided on which option was less painful. 

Somewhere along the way, the Lord reminded me that I’d done a great job training up the children He had given me to raise for Him and that while I love my children, God loves them more, created them for His purposes, has plans for them, and can be trusted with them. In the natural, we claim kids as our own but the truth is they are a gift from God and it would be abnormal for them to always live with us! Having an empty nest is an inevitable component of parenting. 

I read somewhere that it is necessary to take time for yourself to adjust and change and process the reality of now having an empty nest. Given it was Labor Day Weekend, my hubby and I packed up and went on a pre-planned camping trip. There, I continued mulling over my feelings, flip-flopping from a celebratory status to dejected, all in the same few minutes of time. 

Here is my sage advice of three do’s for anyone else who is/will be facing an empty nest. 

1. Spend some time literally doing nothing except watching movies, having coffee with friends, and reading that pile of books you carried from soccer field to the dance studio and never had time to open.
   
2. Rest. Let’s face it, you haven’t gotten much rest since the first baby was born. Remember those days of being bleary-eyed and sleep-deprived and how you would say to yourself “Someday I am going to sleep around the clock.” Now is the time to do it!
   
3. Take some time to figure out what you’d like to do to fill the void. Is there a class you’ve always been interested in? A ministry you’ve always wished you had time to get involved with? Is there a friend you haven’t seen that you’d like to visit? Now’s the time!

Here are three definite “don’t  do” tips for you: 

1. Don’t immediately redecorate your child’s bedroom and throw out any remnants they left behind. Chances are they will be back for a visit soon enough and may misinterpret how quickly you made changes. Take some time.
   
2. Don’t  drive to the shelter and rescue a pet to fill the void. Give yourself at least two or three months. You may learn to love the freedom of not needing to go right home! No mouths to feed, no pets to walk, to curfews to ensure are kept.
   
3. Don’t keep calling and texting your child. While you may be missing them, chances are they are not feeling as sad as you. In all reality, they are excited to move on to this new chapter of their lives. Give them time to spread their wings and adjust to being on their own. They’ll call with questions soon enough. 

We do not live as those with no hope. God knows our pain and heartache in seasons of life and wants to bring us comfort. Philippians 4:6-7 brings comfort as we cast our cares upon the Lord. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

If you have already sailed through the challenging season of becoming an empty nester, perhaps you have some tips you’d be willing to share in the comments below this column. If you will enter the season soon, perhaps you’d like to ask questions in the comment section below. We welcome both!