Where Am I?
WHERE AM I?
The scariest thought in the world is that someday I’ll wake up and realize I’ve been sleepwalking through my life: underappreciating the people I love, making the same hurtful mistakes over and over, a slave to neuroses, fear, and the habitual.
George Saunders
Have you ever been driving along a familiar road when your mind drifts off to faraway things? In an instant, you jerk back into reality, not knowing exactly where you are nor how you got there. Panic sets in as you realize you were on autopilot for a while and not at all aware of your driving. I am amazed at times how I got this far in life without a significant accident, for this happens all too often for me.
During my childhood up until my teen years, I had the frightening disorder of sleepwalking. The house I grew up in as a child on the chicken farm had no doors to the bedrooms or closets in the early years of living there. Often, I dreamed of the closet being another room where a loud party took place. People were milling about in conversation while music played in the background. Curious, I walked into the “room” to investigate, ran into the wall, and woke myself up. I preferred this scenario much more than the one that happened most often.
In my dream state, I often wandered around without being aware I was indeed walking around our house. Suddenly, I would wake up in a panicked state in an unfamiliar place, having no recollection of how I got there. I found myself often under the dining room table or behind a chair. A paralyzing fear would take over me. I would try to call out to my mother, but nothing would come out. After a few attempts, I managed to push past my fear and call out to my mother. Thank goodness, she always seemed to hear me on the first attempt. She followed the sound of my voice my location. After locating me, she gently walked me back to bed, covered me up, kissed me on the forehead, with the reassuring words, “You are alright, go back to sleep.”
At the age of nine years old, my sister and I went to a week-long church children’s camp one summer. Two dorms housed the children, one for boys and one for girls. The dorms had three separate rooms, one to the right, one to the left, and one straight ahead connected by a screened-in porch. My sister and I had beds next to one another. One night, while sleepwalking, as usual, I headed out of our dorm room to the screened in porch where counselors and campers were sleeping. I walked straight to the latched door. As I reached to unlatch the door, one of the counselors we called the bun ladies grabbed my arm and began to scold me. Bun ladies was a reference to the way they wore their hair back in a tight bun, signifying to us they had no mercy nor flexibility in anything. My sister heard the commotion, saw my bed empty, and immediately knew I was sleepwalking. The bun lady must have thought I was heading out to meet a boy or something. For goodness sake, I was nine years old! My sister explained my sleepwalking disorder and said she would get me back to bed. Grateful to have her there, I thanked her for taking up for me and getting me back to where I belonged.
Sometimes in our lives, we become aware of where we are and wonder how in the world we got there. Perhaps it was a series of small, almost insignificant decisions that guided our turns or direction. We find ourselves in a place we never dreamed in a million years we would wind up. There seems to be no way out, no finding our way back to where we should be. We remain in that state paralyzed by fear of the unknown.
God knows our circumstances, every thought, every fear. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows how you got where you are. If we are honest with ourselves, by and large, it is because we failed to ask His direction and seek His guidance. The good news is that our God is not at all like the bun ladies, without mercy and ready to exact judgment without knowing your heart. He is full of grace and mercy and prepared to help us in our times of need. All we have to do is repent of our spirit of independence and ask for His help. He desires to be involved in your decisions and choices about life. As long as He guides you, you will always be headed in the right direction. And even when you are not, all you have to do is call out to Him. He will hear your voice, find where you are, and gently nudge you back to safety and security. He is our loving Father!
John 8:12 - Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.” (NLT)
