Yesterday was a disaster. Yesterday was a miracle.
By Diane Anderson
On Sunday night I decided to check into ordering groceries for pick up. Due to my physical ailments my husband (HandyITguy) has been doing the shopping. However, every time he goes, it’s still a risk he will bring the COVID-19 virus home. I wanted to see if grocery pick up would work better. I ordered a basic list of groceries in the store’s app. I submitted them and set the pick up date for Wednesday. On Monday and Tuesday, I remembered items we needed so I added them to the order and deleted other “non-essential” snacks to keep the cost down. I felt like a member of the team. I felt like I had some autonomy that had been missing for over a month. I felt powerful. I felt valuable. I felt good.
On Wednesday, a video appointment with one of my medical providers was mis-scheduled on our calendar so I was late. HandyITguy and I were out for our midday walk when their office called. We came home and my husband hovered over me like I didn’t know what I was doing with logging in through the portal. I felt dumb.
Afterward, he asked me why he kept getting notifications of charges and credits from the store. Apparently, they were submitting my changes individually and it was very alarming. We had a “bit of a discussion,” somewhat loudly. I felt mistrusted. I sent him a text trying to explain how I was feeling. It was short and to the point but not really explaining my full struggle.
Following my appointment, my son and I left to pick up the groceries. I used the app to let the store know I was on my way. When we got to the pick up area, there were several cars. I watched while everyone of them received their groceries. I tried to get back into the app and it kept telling me I wasn’t logged on. I quit it, I updated it, I restarted my phone…still wouldn’t work. I finally called the posted phone number and the kid on the other end implied that it was MY fault that they hadn’t delivered my stuff. Ummmm…no. Not a single one of the workers asked me my name when everyone else’s order was delivered and I was standing expectantly by my car door with the back hatch opened. I felt defeated, forgotten, judged. Everything that I had tried to do this week (too many to share here), had turned into a disaster. I decided my husband was right in not trusting me to make any decisions on my own.
When he finished his work day, he suggested a drive and a take-out dinner so we could talk it out. I kept trying to put words to my thoughts and feelings; but I still didn’t understand myself. We drove on unexplored roads around our town and chatted. When we finally got home and the garage door closed behind us, I finally could put words to my feelings.
“I don’t have value. Nothing I do has any tangible results like a paycheck, trophy, or a volunteering time that changes a life. I spend my days taking care of a broken body and dealing with a never completed round of chores for my family—and I don’t even do those things as well as I should. I have no autonomy. I am trapped in my home and completely dependent on my husband and kids. I can’t wander the aisles in my grocery store to choose the product we need for the best value. I tried and it failed.”
I cried as I shared. My husband—God’s incredible gift to me—cried with me. He spoke strength and truth into my heart and life. He told me of the tangibles:
—The angry daughter I say, “I love you, Sis,” to every night at bedtime—even when she’s just hurt my heart deeply.
—The learning disabled high school senior that is learning and growing and will graduate by August despite loss of school time due to an emotional breakdown two years ago. He pulled through because he trusts me and relies on me to “translate” him to others and the world to him. He is finally learning how to do his own translation.
—HandyITguy’s own completed Master’s degree and promotion at work. He reminded me that he can focus and succeed because of the intangible actions that I do—the emotional, mental, and spiritual support I give him.
There are so many lessons in all that has occurred this week. The Holy Spirit is illuminating truth to me as I reflect even now. However, I want to share one that fully applies to those of us with ongoing health struggles. “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you!’ And the head cannot say to the feet, ‘I don’t need you!’ On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,” (I Cor 12:21-22, NIV).
It’s natural to feel as if we ill ones have no value. I KNOW, though, that we “weaker” parts of the body of Christ are needed. Because of my weakness, My uncle and aunt came back to Jesus and church. They saw how my church’s members signed up for shifts to assist my husband and mother make sure I was never alone in my hospital room while I endured ICU Psychosis in 2013. Years before that, my weakness was needed to show the supernatural power of God’s answers to our prayers. Our daughter (the first grandchild) was born 10 weeks early and my dad saw the miracles that happened every time the church prayed. God and His love became real to my father and the 25 years of prayers for his salvation were also answered! And now? People in pain or crisis talk to me because they know I understand. They listen to Holy Spirit inspired truth from me because I share in their weaknesses.
Please, don’t listen to the lies of the enemy of our souls. He tries to keep us sad, fearful, or angry. He wants us to hide away so that others are not encouraged by seeing Christ’s strength through our weaknesses.
Be weak, my friends. Allow Christ to be strong in you. Then, you are indispensable and, (as my husband reminded me through tears last night), “a pearl of great price.” Now THAT’S valuable!
